Who’s in it?: Tony Goldwyn (Ghost), Monica Potter (TV’s Parenthood) and Garret Dillahunt (TV’s Sarah Connor Chronicles)

Say it with me.  Remakes SUCK.  Now don’t we all feel better?  I went into this movie with a glimmer of hope. After all, the original was great when it was made but hasn’t stood the test of time. But making a movie look better doesn’t mean you are making a better movie.

The Last House on the Left, the remake of the Wes Craven’s 1972 directorial debut.  This movie was full of so many horribly written characters, it was actually pretty painful to watch.  I couldn’t figure out which was worse, the awful acting on display or the even worse plot.  I know it keeps fairly faithful to the original but raise your hand if you are sick of dumb hicks being villainous lunatics.  I’m going to raise your hand for you.

The movie is slow and boring.  It’s full of stupid people making one stupid decision after another.  Sure, it plays on some scary ass situations like watching your friend get murdered in front of you and being raped while a few retarded hicks watch and laugh, but ugh….and really would these idiots really show up and act so amazingly creepy after murdering one person and beating raping and thinking they killed another? Here’s an idea. Act natural.

Then again the victims are always dumber than the criminals. If these jokers showed up at my door, there is no way in hell me and my wife are letting them in.  “Oh, you guys look like crazy scumbags, please come in out of the rain.”  Note to Hollywood, movies are scarier when smart people are being threatened by people who are smarter.

Spoiler alert: The main bad guy gets his head nuked in a microwave by the father of the girl that gets raped and beaten.  I only say this because if you watch this movie, you’re going to want to stick your own head in your microwave.  Seriously, avoid this movie at all costs.  You will thank me for it.

3/10